


Despondency

by moonciaohui



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending, im so sorry, no one else from svt, this does not have a happy ending, this fic is highly based off of the imitation game, typed this after watching a super sad movie, wonwoo has ocd and anxiety but is a genius, wonwoo is 15 and jun is 17 in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-07 14:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10362060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonciaohui/pseuds/moonciaohui
Summary: Junhui has always been out of reach, but never this far.





	1. solicitude

_He should have expected it. He knew better. He always prided himself in his intelligence yet here he was, lungs collapsing and oceans crashing like bombs in his ears. He had lost all feeling in his limbs. Suddenly the overwhelming feeling consumed him, sucking him dry of all life as he managed to mutter out with his little breath that he had left_

_“Yes of course, like I said I didn’t know him very well.”_

Jeon Wonwoo was never the most normal kid, hands shaking as he organized his food on his plate at school. OCD taking him over as he struggled to separate the two different foods on his plate as he ate his school lunch. Carrots were orange and peas were green. They didn’t belong together and needed to be separated. They couldn't cross or be together on his plate. But sadly his classmates didn’t quite understand this as they threw both of the vegetables and crude names at him, continuing to torment him. Wonwoo was never a bad kid, just peculiar and different. And what was different scared people, especially young prepubescent boys struggling to fit into the ruthless food chain of high school. He was a child genius in a sort of way, was very strange and different, always separated from his classmates, the black sheep if you will. So Wonwoo, always the weirdo, had a tendency to get locked into lockers, slammed into tables and tripped so that he fell face first on the floor. You see because when people need a sort of release, a way to take out their own pain and inflict it on others, they resort to violence.

**Violence**

Violence haunted Wonwoo like a ghost, children chasing him down and beating him up just because his hands word shake and he would stumble over his words when put in front of the class and told to speak. Violence haunted him day and night, through leftover bruises and scars left from immature children.

Wonwoo was always teetering on the edge of insanity, walking along the edge of the metaphorical cliff that haunted most people. But something, rather someone always managed to yank him from the abrupt edge of the pain and anxiety, soothing him with his calm demeanor and gentle touches.

_Wen Junhui_

All cheeky smiles and soft eyes, accented korean and kind words. He saw things in Wonwoo that no one else did. In the younger boys eyes he was perfect. Nothing could touch him, he was flawless. Wonwoo knew this was a ridiculous concept, yet he continued look at the boy the same, unable to help himself from idolizing him. Especially when he was like this, walking besides Wonwoo, hands and shoulders brushing together as they walked, Junhui painting him beautiful pictures with his words, painting Wonwoo. He was always there to support the unstable boy, his words gentle and kind to Wonwoo, reassuring him of ridiculous things that couldn’t quite possibly be true, but he let himself be in a world of fantasy if it meant being with Junhui. Not even Wonwoo’s mother’s tender words could be the same as Junhui’s endless silent support. “Sometimes it’s the people no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine.” Was what he whispered to Wonwoo after pulling him out of another locker. Maybe it was Wonwoo imagining things, maybe it was the voices in his head finally starting to win him over. But he couldn’t help but imagine if the love in the boys eyes was real and if it matched his own.

And then Wonwoo was falling hard and fast, slamming into trees and rocks as he pummeled into a downwards spiral of Wen Junhui.


	2. idée fixe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wonwoo loves junhui,,,,,, a lot

The day was warm and sunny out on the field, a feeling of content in the air as the 15 and 17 year olds sat with their knees tucked to their chests, words unspoken as they leaned against a tree. It was better this way, when words and promises were spoken, things tended got complicated and Wonwoo had never been one to hold a conversation very well anyway. Not that Junhui minded, welcoming the comfortable silence, also not being one with words. Wonwoo had been solving a puzzle when he looked over and saw the other boy looking at a complicated book. It wasn’t a secret that both boys were geniuses, being the top students at the remote school. But even after flitting his eyes over to look at what Junhui was looking at, the younger was still puzzled as to what he was reading. 

“What’s that you’re reading?” he had finally managed to squeeze out after spending too long wondering how to ask what he was doing without sounding weird or making things awkward. However Junhui didn’t notice his struggle, and if he did decided not to mention it and responded kindly.  
“It’s about cryptography.” Wonwoo always loved the way the boy talked. Like honey, soft and not too harsh or loud unlike other people who tended to scare wonwoo.  
“Like secret messages?” The younger boy asked letting his curiosity get the best of him.  
“Not secret, that’s the brilliant part.” Junhui spoke, and wonwoo looked in awe as the boys eyes practically lit up as he spoke passionately about the subject.  
“Messages that anyone can see, but no one knows what they mean unless you have the key.” Wonwoo paused, thinking before choosing his words very carefully.

“How’s that different from talking?” Is what he managed to say, eyes flitting around nervously as he prepared his thoughts so he could explain himself.  
“Talking?” Junhui asked, not mockingly or rude, just curiously and Wonwoo immediately relaxed. He had been scared of ruining their conversation.  
“When people talk to each other, they never say what they mean,” He paused and took a shaky breath before continuing.  
“They say something else and you’re expected to just know what they mean, and I never do. So, how is that different?” He took a breath, looking down at his crossword puzzle, the talking, eye contact, and close proximity with the other boy becoming too much for him. The other boy just looked at him fondly, smile gracing his lips as he looked at the younger boy next to him.

Then Junhui spoke playfully,  
“Wonu I have a funny feeling that you’re going to be very good at this.” He then handed the book over to Wonwoo. And the other could do nothing but grab the book and stare at the stunning boy in front of him. He was beautiful inside and out, and Wonwoo had no idea what he did to deserve him. When Wonwoo swallowed it felt like glass shards going down his throat, scratching it up leaving him unable to talk or form any sort of thank you with words. So he gave a small smile and nod before managing to tear his eyes away from the other boy and shakily open the book and begin to read it.

It became a bridge between the two boys, sending coded messages in class, no one else being able to even fathom what could be held in the lined pages. There was a strange sort of intimacy to the notes, the two only being able to see them. Every time Wonwoo would read a coded note sent by Junhui his stomach get fluttery and he would lose the ability to breathe. His mind consumed by Junhui, Junhui, Junhui. The boy was Wonwoo’s everything, every breath Wonwoo felt was only for the older boy. It was so ridiculous and wonwoo knew that what he felt was wrong especially towards a boy. Homosexuals were sent to prison and that was that. But Wonwoo couldn't help himself as he slipped once again, being consumed by the other boy’s smile and kind words as he read another note from the boy that he received during the final class before break. Wonwoo decoded the message quickly and smiled wistfully after reading what it said.

 

_**“See you in the two long weeks dearest friend.”**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any grammar mistakes im not the best writer aaaahhhh i hope this is good anyways??? one chapter left boi


	3. desolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hope this doesnt hurt as much to read as it hurt for me to write

The break that followed was practically torture for Wonwoo, being alone with his thoughts as most of the other school boys including Junhui left for break. Wonwoo fell back on his bed and mentally debated possibly the most important decision of his life. 

This was it, he couldn’t back out. Wonwoo told himself he would do this and he was going to do it. As the day dragged on and the other students began to file in from their trips Wonwoo was sitting shakily writing neat letters into a coded message. He folded it up and put it into an envelope. He made his way out to the courtyard, practically trembling with excitement as he looked on for Junhui, he stood and waited, and waited, and soon all the other students had brushed past him and he was standing there. He looked down and took a breath. He should have expected this, he couldn’t believe that he would let himself believe such a lie, let himself get wrapped up in Junhui. Now he was gone. Probably ran away from Wonwoo just like everyone else in his life. But then a voice at the back of his head told him that he was just being irrational. Maybe something had come up with Junhui’s family and he had to stay home longer, yeah that’s what happened. Wonwoo, only slightly discouraged, walked back to his room footsteps heavy. He decided it was a sign and threw the note away.

Wonwoo knocked on the headmaster’s door softly, unsure of why he had been called. Wonwoo was trying to ignore his feelings and worries about Junhui, letting himself pretend like everything was fine and that the older boy would show up any day now, smile at Wonwoo with that beautiful smile and everything would be okay. Even though the better, realistic part of Wonwoo knew what was happening, he ignored it, lost in fantasies. Wonwoo hesitantly opened the door and peeked his head in.

“You wanted to see me sir.”  
“Jeon, sit down.”  
Wonwoo hesitantly walked over towards the headmaster’s desk and sat in the uncomfortable chair, waiting for a reason as to why he was called.  
“Something the matter?”  
“You and wen junhui are quite close” Wonwoo froze, eyes widening a tad as he realized what the headmaster might have called him there for. He quickly composed himself and put on a stone cold face, trying to not give away what he was really feeling.  
“I wouldn’t say that” Wonwoo wasn’t going to let himself get sent to jail for being a homosexual, he couldn’t do that to himself or to Junhui.  
“Well your mathematics teacher says the two of you are positively inseparable” The boy silently cursed  
“We’re the best students in the class.’  
“He caught you passing notes the other day’  
“Cryptography, to pass the time the class is too simple.’  
“You and your friend solve math problems during maths class because the maths class is too dull?’  
“He’s not my friend” Wonwoo was on fire with the amount of lies he was speaking, not a single word felt like the truth.

“Well I’m told he’s your only friend’  
“Who said that?’  
The headmaster paused, looking at the boy curiously wondering why he was acting so strangely. He took a breath before continuing cautiously.  
“Something’s come up concerning Junhui” Wonwoo looked up straight at the headmaster and asked, afraid of the answer he was going to receive.  
“Why am I here?’

“Junhui is dead.”

Wonwoo paused, wondering if to laugh, he never did understand jokes and if this was one it was a pretty sick one. Bile rose up in Wonwoo’s throat, threatening to come out. The hypothetical waves in his mind that were always teetering to close, coming up to his knees before falling back and crashing back into the water, rose and crushed him. Wonwoo was drowning in himself and breathing became a chore.

“I don’t understand?”

“His mother sent word this morning. The family were on holiday you see”

“I don’t understand”

“Well he had bovine tuberculosis, as I’m sure he told you” No, he hadn’t.  
“So this won’t come as a shock… but still all the same, I’m sorry” He wasn’t sorry, he could never understand.

“You’re mistaken.” Instead of his words coming out as a question, they came out as a statement. Junhui couldn’t be dead it wasn’t possible he was lying, he had to be.  
“Did he not tell you?”  
“Well hes been sick for a long time.”  
“He knew this was coming soon” The headmaster’s words flew around Wonwoo’s head. The meaningless words surrounded him and were drowning him. Wonwoo was drowning in everything around him. Every breath hurt without Junhui by his side. And with him permanently gone, Wonwoo was nothing, breathing felt impossible, he couldn’t focus his eyes as the man in front of him kept talking.

“But he had a stiff upper lip about it.”  
“Good lad.”  
He should have expected it. He knew better.he always prided himself in his intelligence yet here he was, lungs collapsing and oceans crashing like bombs in his ears. He had lost all feeling in his limbs. Suddenly the overwhelming feeling consumed him, sucking him dry of all life as he managed to mutter out with his little breath that he had left  
“Are you alright Jeon?”  
“Yes, of course. Like I said I didn’t know him very well” Lies. Junhui was his everything. Wonwoo’s every breath was dedicated to him. He was infatuated with the boy’s every blink and movement. He was Wonwoo’s everything, and now Wonwoo was nothing without him. He was just useless, floating away with the wind. Junhui had held him together and pieced him together when others broke him. Junhui, Junhui, Junhui.

‘’Ah I see” The headmaster shuffled the papers on his desk, oblivious to the boy’s true feelings.  
“Very well”  
A heavy silence settled across the room

“May I leave headmaster?”

 

 

that night wonwoo shredded the forever unsent letter.

the coded words meaningless now, seeing as it’s receiver was now dead.

_I love you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont really know what to say besides im sorry because i know this is really sad but its based off the imitation game movie and itjrkfjjekfjwkkq i hope this fic is okay, its my first fan fic and i tried my best thanks for all tue support!!! aaaaaaaaa hearteu <333

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on twitter @ciaohuii


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